I’ve always had issues with anxiety and self doubt. And to be honest I still do, and more than likely will always have that annoying little voice in the back of my mind telling me that “You’re not good enough” or “You’re going to fail and make yourself look like an idiot – so why try?”
It’s not easy battling with your own mind, and anxiety makes life difficult. When my wonderful girlfriend tells me she’s had a bad day, my mind immediately springs into panic mode, and on top of that, I also start blaming myself for her bad day. It sounds insane, right? That’s because in a way, it is.
My anxious mind takes me through some very silly thought processes, and this all came to a head a few years ago when I ended up having a full blown anxiety attack over something so insignificant that I can’t even remember what it was. I remember being on the phone to my dad and he said something along the lines of “You need therapy.” He was right.
Such thoughts have plagued me for almost my entire life. I can’t help but think it’s held me back from things I would have otherwise done.
Although I didn’t see it at the time, through a I came to realise that I had lived with anxiety since childhood, and that it had always influenced the way I went about my life.
Looking back, I see that I let a lot of opportunities pass me by.
I could have gone on a school trip to Spain that would have included entry to the PortAventura theme park as well as other amazing places, but I tore up the cheque that my dad had written at the last moment, because I was scared.
I was a fussy eater, and I wouldn’t like the food, My Spanish wouldn’t be good enough if I got lost and needed to ask for help. I’d have to share a room with other kids, and they might pick on me because I snore too loud. I’d have to be away from my family, friends, and everything I’d ever known.
This was daunting to 13 year old me, and looking back, I realised that I actually really wanted to go on this school trip, yet I had let my anxiety and self-doubt get the better of me.
Years later, as I type this, I am mentally kicking myself for not doing these things. But I also realise that I had no idea about anxiety and self-doubt. These were not widely discussed subjects growing up in the 2000’s. Sure, the foundations for wider acceptance of mental health issues had been laid, but it was still not commonly taught, yet alone accepted.
We all suffered and yet we all felt that we couldn’t talk to anyone about the issues we had for fear of not been taken seriously, or worse – being laughed at.
It’s only recently that I’ve come to accept that my achievements are my own, and the fact that I was supported by people doesn’t devalue what I have done.
At the end of the day, I had financial help from my parents to learn to fly, but it was still me who flew the plane and studied for weeks for the exams. It was me who studied so hard that I gave myself a migraine. It was me, and the achievements are mine.
I still get that voice in the back of my head, telling me I am worthless, and that I shouldn’t even try. But that voice is a liar. It will always be there, screaming and shouting at me, trying to drag me down. Sometimes it might drag me down for a time, but I always get back up.
If you are suffering from anxiety or any other mental health condition, there’s no shame in admitting that there is an issue, and talking about it.
Click here to go to MIND, where you can find help and support.
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